So you want to know how to make friends and keep them. We all know that friends come and go as our circumstances change. For instance, we find new jobs, move to another city, or start a family, and in the process our friendships fade. Throughout our lives, there are times we seek new friends, while attempting to keep old friendships alive.
Friends are Demanding
Making good friends and keeping them does not come without some sacrifice from your side. It involves stepping out of your self-centered existence and becoming more sociable and considerate of those around you.
Time consuming. In order to find friends and maintain friendships you will need to set aside time for your friends. Friendships don’t run on auto-pilot. If you have a busy schedule, you will need to consider freeing up some time for friends.
Your temperament. Being too aggressive or too docile is generally not conducive to maintaining friendships. When it comes to personality traits, most people value honesty, joviality and empathy in their friends.
Emotionally draining. We all experience good times and bad times, and so do our friends. Being there for your friends require you to be both reliable and caring, to help them through emotionally difficult times. As a friend you’re taking on more than just your own emotional distress.
Commitment. Maintaining friendships takes some commitment from your side. And you have to show that you’re committed. You have to be as good a friend to others, as you expect them to be friends to you.
The Benefits of Friendship
Better health. Whilst having friends and maintaining friendships may be demanding, there are clear benefits to having friends. People with friends have been shown to be healthier and live longer lives, on average. Friends can also help you stay on track with any health or fitness programs you participate in.
Your happiness. People who are part of a social circle see themselves as happier than outsiders. Happiness is contagious, and being part of a happy group of people will contribute greatly to your own happiness. Friends also help you cope with sadness and grief. Friends provide you with social support and someone to confide in.
Where to Find Friends
You’ll find potential friends just about anywhere you go. Of course, you’re more likely to develop friendships with people you see on a regular basis. Your aim should therefore be to step out and become involved in activities with people who share your interests.
Clubs. If you live in a populated area, you’re likely to find clubs which cater for your particular interests, whether it be some or other sport or perhaps a pastime that you enjoy.
Continuing education. Attend evening classes, for instance to learn another language, to do arts and crafts, or improve your cooking skills. Such adult education courses involve meeting up with the same people over a period of time, and are therefore conducive to forming friendships.
Social events and activities. Don’t miss social events that you’re invited to attend. And you do not need to wait for an invite. You’re likely to find many types of events being advertised in your area, where you’ll have the opportunity of meeting people.
Social networking online. Social networking sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, are good for keeping contact with people you’ve already met and know. But your time online will be better spent, looking for activities where you can interact with people, such as Facebook Events, Meetup, Nearify, or Citysocializer.
Colleagues. Whilst socializing with colleagues can have its pitfalls, attending or even instigating social get-togethers, such as attending sporting events, can lead to lasting friendships.
Breaking the Ice
First impressions matter. When breaking the ice with new people, you ‘ll need to put your best foot forward. A positive, jovial attitude will make you new friends, whereas a negative, aggressive stance will quickly turn people against you.
Relax, don’t take it so seriously. You are not asking anyone for a date. You’re just meeting new people, with whom you may struck up a conversation. In the beginning, there is no need to reveal intimate details of yourself, or ask personal questions of others. At some stage you’ll find people that you’re comfortable to spend more time with, and a friendship will develop naturally over time.
Be yourself. Don’t pretend to be anything that you are not, or prepare what you will say in advance. Allow the conversation to flow naturally. To open the conversation, you could ask a question or make a comment about something related to the meeting, or even something in general . Steer clear of impertinent questions, such as why they are there, or who they’re waiting for.
Listen. Listening is one of the most important aspects of the art of conversation. Listen carefully to the response you get. A terse answer my indicate that the person does not want to make conversation. Or it could be positive and detailed. Listening will enable you to give, in turn, a meaningful response.
Nurturing Friendships
Whilst friendships tend to develop naturally, that does not mean they happen automatically. Like a sapling that needs to be planted in good soil and constantly watered, in order to thrive, developing a friendship requires nurturing.
It’s not about you. Don’t talk too much about yourself or your interests. Friendships grow when you show as much interest in them as in your own ideas and activities. Talk about matters that relate to the conversation. Talking only about yourself will bore your friends and they will perceive you as self-centered, with no real interest in their lives.
Your memory. For friendships to develop, you need to listen and remember what they have to say, in particular details such as their name, where they live, their close family relationships, and events in their lives. This gives you something to inquire about when yo see them again and will show that you have a genuine interest in their lives and activities.
Reciprocating. Reciprocation is important. If you get invited to some event, you need to return the favor by inviting them somewhere at a later date. If either party does not reciprocate, it is an indication that something is amiss, and the friendship will probably flounder. On the other hand, don’t be too pushy or forceful about it. Respect the other people’s priorities. Let them decide when the next meeting would be appropriate.
Doing things together. The one thing that truly creates and reinforces friendships, is when you do things together. Shared experiences give you something to talk about, and an opportunity to get to know your friends. As you share experiences with your friends, you will grow closer to them. Whether it be local outings, or traveling, include existing or potential friends in your plans.
Being a friend. It is important to realize that, if you want someone to be your friend, it is vital that you are a friend to them too. This goes beyond just reciprocating friendly gestures. You’ll need to show that you care for and appreciate their friendship, and that your are there for them. Selfishness does not work with friendships.
Respecting the boundaries. Friendships are not romantic relationships. There are limits to the intimacy and personal information people want to share with friends. Whilst you can talk more freely with long-standing friends, you still need to be circumspect about what you say, particularly when it comes to criticism or negative comments. Your friends may not appreciate you prejudices or ideas about life.
Keeping promises. Friends often make promises, the most common of which is to meet at a particular time somewhere. Your friends will not enjoy being stood up at such points without genuine reasons. If you cannot honor your promises, be frank about it up front. And if something unexpected comes up, there is no reason these days not to let them know through messaging.
The More, the Merrier
Family and friends. As with romantic relationships, you don’t focus only on one person, but take into consideration the friends and family of your friends when it comes to nurturing friendships. First of all, you can tell much about a person from the friends they keep. And, secondly, knowing more about their family and friends will give you an indication of the most appropriate ways to arrange get-togethers and other activities.
Circle of friends. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships thrive in groups. It’s a case of the more, the merrier. Most people have an existing set of friends, which they’re unlikely to give up just to accommodate someone new to their circle. In fact, you should see it as an opportunity to meet more people, and make more friends.
Social events. The best approach is to involve friends of friends into your plans, by including them in collective outings or other social events. If you believe that your respective group of friends may have something in common, you could arrange a party or outing involving both sets of friends. This will create an opportunity for all to meet new potential friends.
Making Your Friendships Last
Friends come and go. Often, when our circumstances change, for instance, when we graduate from college, leave a workplace, or move to a different city, we seem to lose our friends. We lose touch, and soon they become no more than acquaintances we once knew. But we need not allow this to happen.
Staying in touch. These days, with online social networking and mobile chat apps, we have no excuse for not staying in touch. Even if you move away, you should keep in contact with old friends. Often, opportunities will arise when you may meet up with them again. Regular communication will ensure that you keep your friendships alive.
Keeping friends in mind. Friendship is not just about meeting or hanging out together. It is about compassion, interest, and caring about their well-being. And keeping them in mind, even when you’re no longer able to see them regularly.
Long-standing friendships last. The longer you have been friends with someone, the longer the friendship will last. Over time, as you share experiences, you become closer to your friends. Of course, it also depend on what you shared and how much you were there for each other. But the closer the friendship becomes, the less likely it will be that you simply drift apart, or outgrow the friendship.